“Look at yo shoes!” is what I recall most clearly. We were in a heated exchange in high school gym class. I have no idea how it started. But it ended with me getting hit in the face with a basketball and saying some regrettable things.
Was I racist? How could I have said what I said? The things I said were part of our cohort’s lexicon–stuff we had all heard and grown up with. I wasn’t racist, I was just saying the most hateful stuff I could because I was enraged. It was an animalistic defense measure. Like a bird who learned a certain song to scare away rivals.
A certain amount of judgment–I prefer the term “discernment” in this case–is natural and necessary. It’s a part of our survival mechanism. Without it we couldn’t set healthy boundaries for ourselves and we’d be liable to allow things to remain in our lives that we shouldn’t. But use of the term doesn’t always refer to setting healthy boundaries.
It sometimes–perhaps usually–has a negative connotation. As in, judging someone else as sub-par to us. For many, this seems a constant mental pillar. An extension of and a sign that their survival mechanism is overactive.
Like my adversary’s was. When, during our quarrel, he deemed that my generic shoes were offensive and that physical violence was reasonable. And as mine was, receiving that rubbery and painful blow and saying those deplorable things.
We both needed a time-out.
Being Overly Judgmental Is a Sign That Someone Needs a Breather
The overly judgmental are disoriented. Energy that could be used to nurture their life–and those around them–is being wasted condemning the lives (or the fashion sense) of others.
Two things need to happen
Boundaries need to be set
This is a process unique to each person and it isn’t just about imposing our boundaries. It’s also a chance to let others know that they are safe to set boundaries with us. There is a slew to be learned through this process. Such as:
- How do we affect other people?
- What are our social strengths and weaknesses?
- Where have we let others cross our boundaries?
- Where have we crossed the boundaries of others?
Energy needs to be redirected
A painter knows how to use white space (or negative space) in a painting to create balance. Boundaries are the equivalent of using white space in our social lives. They open things up and allow them to breathe. With this opening, usually comes a bit of fear.
What will enter now? It’s up to us to determine, like a painter, what to put where. If we’re ill-equipped, this newfound space can cause problems. But with the right mindset we can fill this space with a good habit, hobby, or even something more substantial; effectively redirecting our energy to more creative and uplifting channels.
I Love Judgmental People, but I Don’t Necessarily Like Them
To put it bluntly, judgmentalism is a bad habit. One that is reinforced by people who gain from its propagation, such as certain advertisers and politicians. Like all who are lost, judgmental people deserve compassion. But I don’t invariably suggest that compassion be administered directly.
If you try to give a sick hyena medicine, you’re liable to get your hand ripped off. Similarly, if you try to express a temperate perspective to a highly judgmental person, you may not leave the conversation in the best of moods.
In many cases, it’s best to maintain a policy of “mercy from afar”.
